“I didn’t spend my last penny, I lost it.”
In my body, I felt like there was a penny put into my right feet, holding me to stay and love you. Half of my body is shaking cold and shivering from despair. Last resort, last chance, and last hope…. Over. All I am now is what I call a project of twinge and futility. I reached my end and I am done. I spent days wailing over someone who would never see my worth. I am just another girl to you even if you were someone more than a guy to me, but now whatever you tell me wouldn’t matter anymore.
Right now, I’m counting the days until my body stops and move away. Because my visions of hope for you to change is starting to blur that I can’t see what would be next anymore. The pain you gave me, showed me that I have done nothing good to you. You treated me as if I was a daily newspaper that you change every single day.
You read me good and understood me clearly enough that no one could top what you have seen. You played me like a keyboard that spits out melodies in a single press. You drew an upside down rainbow on my face, but by the end of the day an inverted half clear heart runs out from the window of my soul and fades away on my red lips.
I have reserved a penny, wherein I wanted to use it to know the answers to my questions, but sadly … I lost it. There’s only one thing I asked from you and that was the truth, but that truth I have never gained. Now, it doesn’t matter if you write fiction all over my face, because from now on I’m putting earplugs and I will start to look back and see how hurt I was so I can be a better me. I’m done getting stepped on. I loved you, but you didn’t love me back. My waiting days are over. Tears would never run down again for you, because I got no more tears to cry for you, I just have words that would slice you into half.
You may think you are right all the time, but right now I can proudly tell you, no you are not. There’s one thing you are wrong about. I am no selfless angel, I am a selfish human. For the past seven months, I never asked for anything, but your happiness. I wanted nothing but to see you smile even if I end up crying. If you are going to question me, how I became selfless, I would love to tell you why. I got one reason, I am selfish because I focused too much on you that I never really get to care what other people might feel. I put you first, even if you put me in the end of the line. They only asked me one thing, that one thing is, “smile Klarenz…smile”, but I’m too busy looking for what would make you happy that I forgot what they would make me happy and that is my own happiness. I disregarded them in my life for you and your happiness.
There are 365 days in a year, 60 minutes in an hour, 60 seconds in a minute, I waited, ‘cause I thought I can wait, but I guess the clock ticked to fast that I recognized that time cannot wait. It was just me. Everything was just a bright silky wish that lights me up like a tangled Christmas lights being put on top of a red glossy cloth.
I got 100 billion neurons on my brain, 428 nerves running in my body, 206 bones functioning as my framework, 10 fat toes that ways you hi, 10 fingers that clicks you, 2 feet that enables to mobilize, 2 hands that holds you when you are afraid, 2 ears that listen to the words you say, 2 set of eyes that looks only to you, and 1 broken heart with 4 chambers. I am tired, I just want to rest. I am soaked in the rain, I’m coughing as if I have a fur ball stuck in my throat. I’m dizzy and I just want to sleep like sleeping beauty. I want to eat an apple with a poison to be able to get a single kiss from you. I would walk with shattered glass shoes like Cinderella if you ask me to, ‘cause I know there is beauty inside you even if you showed me how beastly you can be. I love you, but I give up. But oh well, what to do, right? You asked me to give up on you long ago, ‘cause all you said to me (in your dreams) was I’m a useless slut. SMILE, because one day… all of these will just be a joke that we would laugh onto.
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